HOURS OF DARKNESS

 

 

YOU know how it feels like things pass too slowly sometimes. like when you are stuck in a traffic jam, or standing in a queue, or when your teacher dissected a frog for the first time, or when you waited for the day you return home & you kept crossing the dates on the calendar all month. this day felt similar but in a heartbreaking way. Its 9am on a Thursday night. you should have been out with your friends & people you love but instead you are at home, sunken in your couch, trying to stop your tears. you have this drowning feeling in your chest. your heart is beating too fast, you cant breathe properly when you think about it. you are feeling too lonely, too miserable & yet you have no one you could talk to. you look at the mirror & call yourself awful a hundred times. your voice shakes & you fall on your trembling knees & wail too bitterly. it seems never-ending. your heart has been broken for a while now & you don't know how to get over it. you keep blowing your nose & telling yourself that its okay but its really not. you sit in the bathroom & talk to yourself for a few hours. you express all your anguish & cry. & you pat yourself & pick yourself up. you are too tired, your eyes are swollen. you massage your eyes with cold spoons. you still feel like crying but your body has given up. you feel too exhausted to just sleep. Its 12PM now & you finally decide to eat. you want to cook something but you're too heart-broken to do anything. you order your comfort food & some ice-cream. you are watching TV but your heart isn't in it anymore. you open your balcony window & stand there for sometime with your eyes closed. Its 1AM & the boys in your colony are sitting on the swings & having fun. you can see some women & their pets taking walk. you open your social media & watch stories of people you follow. everyone looks too happy, too content. you feel like there is this huge circle. everyone is in that circle, laughing together & crying together. they lean on each other & share everything. it looks beautiful inside the circle but all you do is to watch them. everyone is in that circle but all you can do is to watch them. everyone is in that circle expect you. you stand on the outside. tirelessly waiting for someone to pull you in. you eat your dinner & think of sleeping for sometime. Its 3AM & you are lying on your bed. you keep thinking of all the things that are tormenting you. you look at your watch & tell something that maybe you will see the sunrise today if you cant get any sleep. you connect your phone to the speaker & play songs from your playlist. you are sitting on your balcony & staring at the sky, not particularly feeling anything. you are a little numb but you still hug your pillow & whisper 'I miss you' to yourself. you think of your life when you  were inside the circle, you think of the moments when you genuinely felt loved, even if it was for a short time. you think of the time when you hated living & the times when you thought that you couldn't make it through. you think of them, the ones you want by your side tonight, & you hug your pillow a little too tightly. you wish they were with you. Its been a while. you have closed your eyes & you are listening to the songs. suddenly a happy song plays. you think of changing it but then, for some unknown reason, you don't. you sit for a while & then you find yourself singing. you stand up & you dance a little as you sing the song. you open your songs playlist. for a while, it seems like everything isn't so bad. Its 4:30AM now & you wear your gifted hoodie & put socks on your feet & go the terrace. the sky is blue & the stars are shimmering like flickering light bulbs on a rainy night. you look at the crescent moon & think how beautiful it is to see every phase of it. you look at the birds chirping & you sigh. its been a while since you have felt this peaceful. the dark sky slowly disappears & you see an orange tinge enveloping the entire vault of heaven. the sun rise slowly & you look at the sky & put your hands on your chest. you have been feeling soo cold but you fold your sleeves a little & let your skin feel the warmth. you realize how its human tendency to reach towards people & things that make them warm. maybe, that's why you ordered your comfort food & didn't change that song. maybe that's why you are on the terrace to feel like you aren't alone. you look at your fingers & blow hot air from your mouth. you take out your camera & take some pictures of the sun, the skies & the sparrows & crows sitting on the electric poles & wires. suddenly, you feel like you are in the circle again. you had forgotten that sometimes, people don't draw you in but everything else in the universe does. you look at the fading stars & realize how you always forget that you are part of something huge. its painful still but now you can carry hope. you take a long breath & smile for the first time in a long.