ON UNEXPECTED HEALING

WHEN people said that being loved is the most beautiful feeling in this world, I believed them. there is not a part of me that is not exhausted from carrying itself through the tunnel of time, waiting for that one person who loves me in ways I deserve to be. 

& then one day you came along, it was easier to blame it all on destiny because neither of us knew what life had in store for us. i don't know what you saw in me. you told me new stories about forever's & said that yours is the kind of love that is undying. when you make me feel love in ways I didn't realize I could, being loved feels nothing close to all that I believed it would be. 

To be on the receiving end of all that love is terrifying. when you have a heart that is broken more than once, you would know how useless it becomes even to try again. 

You don't deserve a 'maybe' love. you don't deserve 'someday, I might love'. you should be with someone who not only knows that they need you but also knows how much they need you. 

I would be lying if I said I don't dream of a day when I could be that person for you. there are times when I want to overlook my flaws & embrace you. I have desires soo naked, that a women with character should be ashamed to admit. i want to call you by your name & stop you from abandoning me. i want to tell you about the nagging voices in my head that tell me I should leave you for better. i want you to trace your fingers over the scars of guilt I have been carrying all along on my back & know that I am trying to be yours. 

You say you can't stop people if they want to leave. here I am, trying to stop you from staying. i watch you take away every ounce of my hope to not love you. to be honest, I expected you to leave when you realize why you should. when I took my sadness & painted your days black, your love for me shined through like a ray of hope. i don't know if I can ever be thankful enough for all that. 

Time has made me understand that it doesn't matter how long you stayed, but why you stayed. & because of that, I am letting you in on a little secret. i am going to tell you that I am scared. i am scared of you staying. i am scared of knowing a beautiful life through you & then having to watch it break away because of what I would do to you. i am broken in ways I have forgotten to fix. 

But for now, for the times before i get scared of you leaving, i will let myself be lost & found in you, in everything that we are not supposed to be.