With patience things get better.

  Why? Why did it have to be us? did I  hold on to you in the wrong places? maybe I did. I cant say for sure because i don't know who to blame. Whose mistake it is to have fed me the idea that love is meant to stay with us forever? And that love is meant to stay with us forever? & that love is something beautiful? you know when we first met, the universe was soo busy granting there peoples wishes. it didn't quite have the time to make me think you had a reason to be a part of my life. if anything at all, love was the least of a reason for you to stay. so I didn't understand when you showed up in the metro the next day & listened to me the entire time I walked you through the hollows of my being. in the days that followed, you spent every minute surprising me in ways I didn't know I could be. Why? why did you choose me? we has nothing in common. I didn't watch anime. I was not even a fan of Mexican food until I...

  & if you leave me one day, you will find me at the exact spot you left me at. I will stand & wait for you, for my whole life if I have to. I know you don't believe me. I know the world wont believe me. test me then if you have to. I will whisper into the winds about how much I miss holding your hands while going on dates. how much I miss kissing your lips while you look up into my eyes. maybe when the wisps of wind tickle your hand & run over your lips, you'll remember it too & come back. I will talk to the ocean about how much it misses the sky. how it meets for people watching but never in reality. I will leave a message in a bottle for it to carry over to you, no matter which shore you might be at because it knows more than anyone the pain of never being able to have the one you love.  I will talk to the stars about you & hope you're looking up at them too. I will tell them about how you shine the brightest of them all, maybe they will seek you out ...

  When they leave you, people ask you if you miss them. they want to ask you the cause of this sudden change, they ask you if you are ready to date again, they ask about anything & everything & tell you that one day you will forget them completely & move on. you sit there & wonder if its true, if its possible to forget everything about someone you loved once. these days, I find myself checking the scores of the volleyball match often. I have never been supportive & yet, I learned to enjoy watching volleyball with you. before I knew it, I was already sitting alone watching a tournament in a stadium & cheering up our favorite team. I prepare coffee the same way you taught me & I still recall some words of your mother tongue when I find someone speaking the same language as you. I almost become too excited when somebody is from your hometown. I ask them about the places you showed me pictures of & they look at me with amazement & ask if I am from th...

 * Imagine this; some years from now, you're in your kitchen, cooking for your favorite meal for yourself on a lazy Sunday afternoon & your heart doesn't feel soo heavy anymore. you've lost people, you've made bad decisions you've been fool in love, but when you really think about it, you don't want to change a thing. your life has bought you here, to this moment where things are finally beginning to make sense. you've lived most of your life in fear, but not anymore. you're showing yourself in new ways, you're consciously working for your relationships, you're not holding yourself back. Imagine this; some years from now, you're looking on the days gone by, & you don't regret a single one. you are proud of your younger self for sticking around & bringing you here. you take a deep breath & smile. you're not scared of what tomorrow will bring... -YOU'RE HERE & ITS ALL THAT MATTERS....

  Dear diary,  I'm too tired to form any sentences or feel any feelings. I am running out of words to tell you how empty everything seems. the emptiness takes big bites off my words, my feelings, my entirety. but its never enough, its always hungry, it always wants more. I am sick of feeding it. the room is on fire but I cant seem to leave. I am burning but I cant feel it. I've come to believe all pain cant be felt-- there's a pain we are not capable of feeling, there's a pain we can only carry with us, a pain we can only 'BECOME.' Empty. Empty. Empty. This emptiness is full of questions I dare not seek the answers to, of a loneliness I cant bear anymore, of words I've repeated to myself so often they've lost all meaning. What does it take to stop hurting? What does it take to feel that hurt? What does it takes to exist without feeling the weight of it? I'm screaming into oblivion. there's never an answer, there never was & I doubt there neve...

  The truth is healing is the scariest thing you can go through. you could be broken into million pieces & you could have no idea what fits where anymore. as much as you want to heal, as much as you want to feel alive once again, you know there is a part of you that is terrified of uncovering what is behind you own closed doors. People tell us all the times that healing comes from within. But you are the only one that knows your ego too well. it sends you chills down your spine when you try to feel the pain that's been gnawing its way into your nightmares. it tells you that if you grow, if you move on, you will realize that everything you have experienced so far is a lie & that is about to change. When thus happens, keep in mind that healing that begin in the weirdest of places. it can begin when you are breaking down in the arms of someone you barely know. it can begin when you are at the brim of helplessness. it can begin from the moment of knowing that you have...

    YOU know how it feels like things pass too slowly sometimes. like when you are stuck in a traffic jam, or standing in a queue, or when your teacher dissected a frog for the first time, or when you waited for the day you return home & you kept crossing the dates on the calendar all month. this day felt similar but in a heartbreaking way. Its 9am on a Thursday night. you should have been out with your friends & people you love but instead you are at home, sunken in your couch, trying to stop your tears. you have this drowning feeling in your chest. your heart is beating too fast, you cant breathe properly when you think about it. you are feeling too lonely, too miserable & yet you have no one you could talk to. you look at the mirror & call yourself awful a hundred times. your voice shakes & you fall on your trembling knees & wail too bitterly. it seems never-ending. your heart has been broken for a while now & you don't know how to get over it. y...

                                                                  Bring me flowers Adorn my hair with them & while you do so, whisper a gentle 'iloveyou' into my ears Write me a song  Play it to me & while you do so, look at me in a way that tells me you mean every single word of it Love me but don't love me nonchalantly Love me but don't love me conveniently  Love me but don't love me half-heartedly Today, the world sells easy love (or the illusion of it) But I'm afraid of fingers that swipe left & right on a screen too often not know much about writing I l o v e y o u on the back of their lovers Lonely hands that hold bottles of alcohol too often don't know much about that warmth of holding another pair of hands  Those who cant pronounce love as staying never g...

  I don't hate you. but I wouldn't wish to one day cross the street & end up seeing you at the other end of the lane. I am brave enough in letting you go, but i'd never want to wish I had you the very second fate entwine our paths again in the future. i'd wish you every good thing that you deserve with a happy smile on my face but I wouldn't want to see that you actually did knowing that my own healing took messy turns & did not come an easy. you are just a chapter in a book of this voluminous life of mine & now your part's done. you are mere footnote of my whole life entirety & it wouldn't kill me to see how every chapter after yours will progress in your characters absence. I wouldn't be right where you left me, never again. I will not haunt that spot but instead, it will be left like how it was before I came along, like it never met my touch. I might even find a new spot to light up the last stick inside the red beaten-up cigarettes...

  I wonder where we went wrong. With this world, you know. What was the point where we decided that not caring was strength? that selfishness is good & attractive? that its okay to lead someone on when you don't ever intend to follow through. I think we should change. I believe we can change. why, you ask me? Because its important. because it matters. because this is what would make us stronger, collectively. its very easy to shun someone when they are down. it takes strength to pull them up. its very easy to raise your hand in anger. it takes character to extend it in help. & What are all of us but souls crying out help? for meaning. for love So, if you're reading this, I want you to brighten up someone's day today. do something to make someone feel special. & if you think you cant do that or you cant think of anything, just smile at a stranger. smile & watch them smile back instinctively. this is how powerful all of us. we can throw h...

He kissed you in may & broke your heart the next January. it should have been okay after a while but it has been two years since you sat in his beetle & listened to his singing his favorite song "yellow Ledbetter" by pearl jam at the top of his voice. he left you trapped in constant heartache. the next two years, you thought about all the guys who left you before you tell them that you wanted to spend all your life with them. you found the way of dealing with pain anyway. when your friends gather together on a cliched day like valentines you call yourself 'forever alone' & chuckle. you sigh & whisper in your head quietly 'hopefully not always' though. you write 'lol' after pouring your heart out to your friends on a text. your ex-boyfriend told you that ice-cream fixes all the chaos in your heart & you didn't understand it then but now when you are sitting & watching Django unchained for the umpteenth time, you eat ice-cream...

  RELATIONSHIPS Which we embraced falling in friendship love & magic of friendship love in general. it really is such a magnificent, kindred soul-shifting experience that can manifest in soo many wonderfully different ways. it truly deserves its own genre of art, movies/tv, writing, music. My friends have saved my life. they have been there for me in some of my most darkest & joyful times. they have romanced me & I them. They occupy such an important part of what love is & can be. they don't diminish other forms of love, they enhance them. They are a unique kind of home & belongings esp. for me as a queer, disabled adoptee, woman of color, survivor. Friendship break-ups can bring you to your knees & lay you out in bone-cold-misery. they are a particular kind of gut-wrenching heartbreak that you go through, often without the kind of support or understanding or commiseration that other break-ups gets. Anyways, i just want more arts ...

 DEPRESSION What a word. Sometimes we take as its sadness or grief. which is wrong. sadness is a healthy feeling. we never really take it serious when someone says "I'm diagnosed with depression" depression is a disease that makes you lose interest in everything around you.  it makes colors faded. it makes sounds muted.  It either makes you sleep a lot or not at all. it makes you think of death more than life. The feelings are gone. If someone asked you "you you feel?" "Nothing" would be the most accurate response. Take care of people around you who are depressed. Cause nothing in this world feels worse than being dead without dying.

-NOTHINGNESS   There is a perception for speaking up for boundaries is somehow introducing conflict into a situation or at very least, escalating it in an unkind way, like everything was fine until you spoke up for your needs & now you made it weird. But not speaking up is not making the situation better, its just giving the other person more license to operate & communicating that you are okay with the behavior. There is no prize for being the worlds most stoic & accommodating person.  A friendship that cannot survive a the momentary discomfort of you standing up for your needs is not actually a friendship worth holding onto. nobody loves being told that they are screwing up, obviously but if you don't have the ability to ever take any negative feedback along the lines of "Hey, could you not do that one thing anymore, thanks?" from a friend, YOU are the problem. When told that they are stepping on someone's foot, good adult people will apologize & get...